Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Stink Water

While Roland was at the gym last night, I did my usual inspection of all doorways in our house to make sure the locks were intact. Terrifyingly, I discovered an ant invasion by our kitchen door! These damn ants besieged us once before when our fridge broke a few weeks ago and we were forced to store our perishables outside in a cooler. Apparently they reasoned that if we stashed that kind of merchandise OUTSIDE, the stuff we kept inside must really be to-die-for. I hope it was worth it, because the battle of Kate's Kitchen had a tragic ending for the ant troops. Not having received the warning, reinforcements had now arrived, oblivious to what happens to little ant soldiers that try to cross a Son threshold.

I grabbed our trusty can of Raid and, well, you can guess what happened next. I followed up with a thorough vacuuming, just in case any of the ants had developed immunity to the lethal chemicals. Of course, the fumes after a Raid application are pretty overwhelming, and, coughing, I had to retreat to the other end of the house to avoid fainting. Even 1500sqft away, the vapors seeped over trying to clog up my lungs.

Here's the main part:
Roland arrived home about ten minutes after the incident chronicled above. Holding my breath to avoid inhaling any more of the toxic air, I went to greet him at the door. My husband has an incredibly sensitive sense of smell, so I knew he'd get a horrible headache from the Raid right away and have to take refuge outside while the smog cleared.

Instead, he walked right inside, inhaling normally, and didn't say anything. I looked at him, puzzled and red in the face as I couldn't hold my breath much longer, but he just smiled. I kept waiting for him to grab his head/fall to the floor in Raid haze pain, but no - nothing. Finally, I had to ask him.

Me: Don't you smell anything strange?
Roland: <sniffing>, not really...why?
Me: I just sprayed a quarter can of Raid in the kitchen. How can you not smell that? It's making me dizzy.
Roland: Oh, that. I thought that was your perfume.
Me: You thought my perfume smelled like ant poison? Like I purposely doused myself in neurotoxic carcinogens?!
Roland: Well...I don't know. You have some strange stink waters (his preferred term for cologne). I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Me: You're sweet. But I can't believe you thought the most likely cause of this mind-deadening stench is that I bought eau-de-insecticide!

Anyway, my husband doesn't think it's beyond me to wear a fragrance that's designed to kill small creatures on contact. But he's too polite to say anything. Perhaps that's a sign I need to refine my tastes in stink water.


  1. I hate ants! I hope they're gone for good. I think for some reason ants are worse than spiders and thousand leggers.

    If they come back are you going to get an exterminator? Maybe that should have been mine and Bec's Christmas gift to you guys!

    Sad that Roland thought you smelled like ant poison... maybe you should wear pink sugar, that cannot be confused with murder spray!

    Wish you were here, Son family!


  2. Roland is so sweet - you can smell like insecticide, but he loves you anyway.